Myth: “It is MY fault that I got Cushing’s. I did something wrong that caused me to be sick! If I would have just done XYZ, this would not be happening to me!”
Fact: This is a very controversial topic because we don’t like to talk about it. However, many people struggle with this myth. We NEED to dispel this myth my friends! Patients themselves assume responsibility, accountability, and self blame for becoming ill.
To compound all of that, patients are often told by loved ones, family, and sometimes even their churches or other supports that there is something that THEY could be doing or haven’t done that has caused their declining health. “If you would just follow that raw food diet, then all of your symptoms would go away”, “Juicing is the answer! I told you to juice and you wouldn’t get those tumors!”, Sometimes, you are told that if you would just pray harder or have greater faith, then there is no way that you would be sick right now. And my absolute favorite, “you are just too obsessed with being sick and having Cushing’s! Stop thinking that you have it and it will go away!”.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I find value in “positive thinking” and affirming health, wealth, and all kinds of great things. This helps build up strength and personally keeps me motivated, especially during the times that I feel like absolutely throwing in the towel and giving up!
However, I am NOT the reason and YOU are not the reason for this war with this dreadful disease. What many people don’t understand is how tenacious, brave, courageous, and INDOMITABLE you are! Cushing’s patients do not just get surgery and then everything is magically OK.
Many patients have to go through multiple surgeries, sometimes radiation, sometimes years of testing to find the ultimate source of the disease, even after having several organs messed with. Even after patients obtain their “cure”, they are faced with residual and lingering negative effects of the illness, other hormone dysregulation issues, and the anxiety and fear of a recurrence which is based in absolute reality.
There are people, like myself, who are in remission from Cushing’s, BUT we now have Addison’s Disease/Adrenal Insufficiency as a result of removing vital organs in order to save our lives from Cushing’s. So, are we to think that Adrenal Insufficiency is ALSO our faults every time we near death after an adrenal crisis?! NO! NO! NO!
This is NOT your fault! This is NOT your doing! STOP blaming yourself! The best you can do is to FIGHT! Take an empowered stance by saying “NO” to those who won’t listen. Say “NO” to those who project blame onto you and tell you that this is just a “fat person’s excuse to stay fat”. You are not just a “fat person”! YOU are an amazing person who is fighting for your life!
Let me be clear that this blaming is common and we all do it. In my “5 stages of Loss” series on Youtube; I address the “Bargaining” stage of loss, in which we assume responsibility for getting sick or even for getting better.
Everyone should watch this to understand why and how we do this:
Remember, you are a survivor! YOU are Indomitable!!! This is NOT your fault! You WILL overcome!
Jen had Pituitary surgery by Dr. Shahinian 4/28/04, removed ACTH secreting corticotroph hyperplasia and prolactinoma.
She was diagnosed by Dr. Theodore Friedman as cyclical pituitary Cushings.
Her second Surgery 7/21/04 for infection resulted in neuralgia. She had a BLA in March 2006 as Corticol Hyperplasia returned and she now has possible Nelson’s syndrome. Jen also has Thyroid Issues (Hashimoto’s, multiple nodules and entire thyroid removed 2003) and she is Growth Hormone Deficient (3/2006)
Jen had Pituitary surgery by Dr. Shahinian 4/28/04, removed ACTH secreting corticotroph hyperplasia and prolactinoma.
She was diagnosed by Dr. Theodore Friedman as cyclical pituitary Cushings.
Her second Surgery 7/21/04 for infection resulted in neuralgia. She had a BLA in March 2006 as Corticol Hyperplasia returned and she now has possible Nelson’s syndrome. Jen also has Thyroid Issues (Hashimoto’s, multiple nodules and entire thyroid removed 2003) and she is Growth Hormone Deficient (3/2006)
Jen had Pituitary surgery by Dr. Shahinian 4/28/04, removed ACTH secreting corticotroph hyperplasia and prolactinoma.
She was diagnosed by Dr. Theodore Friedman as cyclical pituitary Cushings.
Her second Surgery 7/21/04 for infection resulted in neuralgia. She had a BLA in March 2006 as Corticol Hyperplasia returned and she now has possible Nelson’s syndrome. Jen also has Thyroid Issues (Hashimoto’s, multiple nodules and entire thyroid removed 2003) and she is Growth Hormone Deficient (3/2006)
Today is the final day of the 2018 Cushing’s Awareness Challenge and I wanted to leave you with this word of advice…
To that end, I’m saving some of what I know for future blog posts, maybe even another Cushing’s Awareness Challenge next year. Possibly this will continue to be a tradition. Or not. Interest seems to be dwindling down a lot 🙁
I am amazed at how well this Challenge went this year, giving that we’re all Cushies who are dealing with so much. I hope that some folks outside the Cushing’s community read these posts and learned a little more about us and what we go through.
So, tomorrow, I’ll go back to posting the regular Cushing’s stuff on this blog – after all, it does have Cushing’s in its name!
I am trying to get away from always reading, writing, breathing Cushing’s and trying to celebrate the good things in my life, not just the testing, the surgery, the endless doctors.
If you’re interested, I have other blogs about traveling, friends, fun stuff and trying to live a good life, finally. Those are listed in the right sidebar of this blog, past the Categories and before the Tags.
I wrote parts of this in 2008 and other years, so all the “yesterdays” and “last weeks” are a little off. This year’s update is at the very bottom.
Wow. That’s about all I can say. Yesterday was possibly the best day of my life since I started getting Cushing’s symptoms, and that was over 25 years ago. A quarter of a century of feeling exhausted, fatigued. A quarter of my life spent taking naps and sleeping.
I went to the endo yesterday. Nothing has changed for me. Nothing will. He wants me to take more cortef. I don’t want to gain weight again. He looked up Provigil and it’s not indicated for panhypopituitarism. So he won’t prescribe it. My kidney surgeon probably won’t let me take, anyway, but it was worth a try.
…
He did mention that in “only” 2.5 years maybe I can go back on growth hormone. I don’t want to live like this another year let alone 2.5. But then, when I was on GH before it didn’t help me like it helps most everyone else.
I’m tired of catering to a kidney that may or may not fail sometime anyway, tired of being so exhausted all the time. I feel like I’ve lost nearly half my life to this Cushing’s stuff already.
So, yesterday I was supposed to go to a conference on web design for churches. My church sent me because they want me to spiff up their site and make them a new one for Christmas. I wanted to go because, well, I like learning new stuff about the web. I figured that I would learn stuff that would also be useful to me in others of my sites.
And I did!
But the amazing thing is this. My son had told me about a medication that was very similar to Provigil, that he had tried it while he was writing his doctoral thesis and it had helped him.
So, having tried the official doctor route and being rebuffed – again – I had decided to try this stuff on my own.
I was just talking to a friend today about how I’d try nearly anything – even if it ruined my one remaining kidney – to have a few days where I felt good, normal, where I could wake up in the morning rested and be able to have energy for the day.
I want to go out and have fun, to be able to drive for more than 45 minutes without needing to rest, to be have people over for dinner, whatever. I hate being restricted by my lack of energy.
My endo says to cheer up. In two and a half years I can try the growth hormone again. Whoopee. Didn’t work the first time and maybe gave me, or contributed to, cancer growth. Why would I want to look forward to trying that again?
I want to feel good now. Today.
I hate that this disease kills but I also hate that it’s robbed me of half my life already.
I wish doctors would understand that even though we’ve “survived”, there’s no quality of life there.
I hate Cushing’s. It robs so much from so many of us. 🙁
As I said earlier, I have a history of daily naps of at least 3 hours a day. It cuts into everything and prevents me from doing many things. I have to schedule my life around these naps and it’s awful.
A few years ago I went on a Cushie trip to Rockford. I’ve been there a few times and it’s always so much fun. But this first year, we were going to another Cushie’s home for a barbecue. I didn’t drive, I rested in the back of the car during the drive. We got there and I managed to stay awake for a little while. Them I put my head down on the dining room table and fell asleep. Our hostess kindly suggested that I move over to the sofa.
So, I have a long history of daily naps, not getting through the day, yadda, yadda.
So, I was a little nervous about yesterday. I really wanted to go to this conference and was afraid I’d have to go nap in my car.
I got up at 5:30 am yesterday. Before I left at 7:15, I took my Cortef and then I took my non-FDA approved simulated Provigil. (Although it’s not FDA approved, it is not illegal to possess without a prescription and can be imported privately by citizens)
I stayed awake for the whole conference, went to a bell rehearsal, did Stacey’s interview, had dinner and went to bed about 10:30PM. NO NAP! I did close my eyes a little during the 4:00PM session but it was also b-o-r-i-n-g.
I stayed awake, I enjoyed myself, I learned stuff, I participated in conversations (completely unlike shy me!).
I felt like I think normal people feel. I was amazed. Half my life wasted and I finally (thank you Michael!) had a good day.
My kidney doctor and my endo would probably be appalled but it’s about time that I had some life again! Maybe in another 25 years, I’ll take another pill. LOL
Well, the energy from the Adrafinil was a one-day thing. I felt great on Thursday. Friday and Saturday I slept more than usual. Saturday, today, was one of those days where I sleep nearly all day. Maybe if I took the drug more it would build up in my system, maybe not. But it was still worth having that one day where I felt what I imagine normal to be.
While I was being a slug today, my husband painted the entire house.
I’m not sure if I would have been this tired today or if I was somehow making up for the nap I didn’t get on Thursday. Whatever the case, I’m glad that I had the opportunity to try this and to experience the wonderful effects, if only for one day.
Information from a site that sells this:
Alertness Without Stimulation
Adrafinil is the prototype of a new class of smart drug – the eugeroics (ie, “good arousal”) designed to promote vigilance and alertness. Developed by the French pharmaceutical company Lafon Laboratories, adrafinil (brand name, Olmifon) has been approved in many European countries for treating narcolepsy, a condition characterized by excessive daytime sleepiness and other unusual symptoms.
Non-narcoleptic users generally find that adrafinil gives them increased energy and reduces fatigue, while improving cognitive function, mental focus, concentration, and memory. It has been reported that quiet people who take adrafinil become more talkative, reserved people become more open, and passive people become more active.
Of course, many stimulant drugs, ranging from caffeine to methamphetamine, are known to produce similar alerting/energizing effects. Adrafinil has been described by some users as a “kinder, gentler” stimulant, because it provides these benefits but usually with much less of the anxiety, agitation, insomnia, associated with conventional stimulants.
Adrafinil’s effects are more subtle than those of the stimulants you may be used to, building over a period of days to months. They appear to be based on its ability to selectively stimulate 1-adrenergic receptors in the brain.2 These receptors normally respond to norepinephrine (noradrenaline), a neurotransmitter linked to alertness, learning, and memory. This is in contrast to conventional stimulants, which stimulate a broader spectrum of brain receptors, including those involving dopamine. Its more focused activity profile may account for adrafinil’s relative lack of adverse side effects.
It’s interesting that that snipped report that people become more talkative. I reported that in the original post, too, even though I didn’t realize that this was a possibility.
A good quote that I wish I could relate to better:
“Time is limited, so I better wake up every morning fresh and know that I have just one chance to live this particular day right, and to string my days together into a life of action and purpose.”
Lance Armstrong (1971 – )
Cyclist, seven-time Tour de France champion and cancer survivor
2011 stuff starts here:
A while ago I went to a handbell festival. I took a bit of adrafinil on the main day to try to stay awake for the whole day. It didn’t seem to keep me as on as it did before. I can’t be used to it already. Maybe I’m just that much more tired than I was before.
Our son lives in New York and every few years he gives us tickets to see a Broadway show. A couple years ago we took the train to NY to see Wicked. Usually, my DH wants to go out and see sights while we’re there. I usually want to nap.
This time we got up on Saturday morning, went out for breakfast. I wanted to take in the whole day and enjoy Wicked so I took some Adrafinil. We got back to the hotel and got ready to go to a museum or other point of interest.
But, DH wanted to rest a bit first. Then our son closed his eyes for a bit…
So, I found myself the only one awake for the afternoon. They both work up in time for the show…
Sigh It was a great show, though.
A recent Christmas I was going to get my son some Adrafinil as a gift. The original place we bought it didn’t have any more stock so I tracked it down as a surprise. He was going to give me some, as well, but couldn’t get it from the original source, either. So he found something very similar called Modafinil. GMTA!
And 2016…
Saturday, 4/23/16 really was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time.
Suffice it to say, we arrived at the Tattoo and I got no nap at all, all day!
And 2017.
We just came home from a great weekend in New York City with our son. I haven’t written about it yet in my Travel Blog but will soon. I did put a bit about it in my Little Free Library blog (do I have too many blogs??) I was amazed to make it through the entire weekend with no Adrafinil – sadly, there’s nowhere to get it anymore. I carried extra cortisol, just in case. And slept all the way home on the train.
Last but not least, 2018.
We went back to the Virginia International Tattoo again and it was everything I remembered from 2016. A wonderful, but very exhausting time!
This time around we went to some of the band competition, then went back to the hotel for a nap before the show. Fortunately, most of the afternoon events were live-streamed on Facebook so I didn’t miss much.
All of the 2018 Tattoo is on YouTube already.
A couple of my favorite acts:
and
And the Finale:
When they showed the videos of the Medal of Honor recipients, I thought it was amazing. There is no way I could do any part of what they had done.
Just before leaving, I bought a teeshirt which said More Bagpipes.
When we got home this afternoon, it was a 4-hour nap.
How in the world did we get here in a Cushing’s Challenge? I’m sliding these in because earlier I linked (possibly!) my growth hormone use as a cause of my cancer – and I took the GH due to Cushing’s issues. Clear? LOL
I had found out that I had my kidney cancer on Friday, April 28, 2006 and my surgery on May 9, 2006. I was supposed to go on a Cushie Cruise to Bermuda on May 14, 2006. My surgeon said that there was no way I could go on that cruise and I could not postpone my surgery until after that cruise.
I got out of the hospital on the day that the other Cushies left for the cruise and realized that I wouldn’t have been much (ANY!) fun and I wouldn’t have had any.
An especially amusing thread from that cruise is The Adventures of Penelopee Cruise (on the Cushing’s Help message boards). Someone had brought a UFC jug and decorated her and had her pose around the ship.
The beginning text reads:
Penelopee had a lovely time on Explorer of the Seas which was a five day cruise to Bermuda. She needed something to cheer her up since her brother, Tom, went off the deep end, but that’s another story!
Penelopee wanted to take in all of the sights and sounds of this lovely vessel. Every day she needed to do at least one special thing. Being a Cushie, she didn’t have enough spoons to do too much every day.
On the first day, she went sunning on the Libido deck……she didn’t last too long, only about 10 minutes. Goodness, look at her color! Do you think maybe her ACTH is too high?
Although I missed this trip, I was feeling well enough to go to Sedona, Arizona in August, 2006. I convinced everyone that I was well enough to go off-road in a pink jeep, DH wanted to report me to my surgeon but I survived without too much pain and posed for the header image.
In 2009, I figured I had “extra years” since I survived the cancer and I wanted to do something kinda scary, yet fun. So, somehow, I decided on ziplining. Tom wouldn’t go with me but Michael would so I set this up almost as soon as we booked a Caribbean cruise to replace the Cushie Cruise to Bermuda.
Each person had a harness around their legs with attached pulleys and carabiners. Women had them on their chests as well. In addition, we had leather construction gloves and hard hats.
We climbed to the top of the first platform and were given brief instructions and off we went. Because of the heavy gloves, I couldn’t get any pictures. I had thought that they would take some of us on the hardest line to sell to us later but they didn’t. They also didn’t have cave pictures or T-Shirts. What a missed opportunity!
This was so cool, so much fun. I thought I might be afraid at first but I wasn’t. I just followed instructions and went.
Sometimes they told us to brake. We did that with the right hand, which was always on the upper cable.
After the second line, I must have braked too soon because I stopped before I got to the platform. Michael was headed toward me. The guide on the end of the platform wanted me to do some hand over hand maneuver but I couldn’t figure out what he was saying so he came and got me by wrapping his legs around me and pulling me to the platform.
After that, no more problems with braking!
The next platform was very high – over 70 feet in the air – and the climb up was difficult. It was very hot and the rocks were very uneven. I don’t know that I would have gotten to the next platform if Michael hadn’t cheered me on all the way.
We zipped down the next six lines up to 250-feet between platforms and 85-feet high in the trees, at canopy level. It seemed like it was all over too soon.
But, I did it! No fear, just fun.
Enough of adventures – fun ones like these, and scary ones like transsphenoidal surgery and radical nephrectomy!
People often ask me how I found out I had Cushing’s Disease. Theoretically, it was easy. In practice, it was very difficult.
In 1983 I came across a little article in the Ladies Home Journal which said: “If you have these symptoms…”
I found the row with my symptoms and the answer read “…ask your doctor about Cushing’s”.
After that article, I started reading everything I could on Cushing’s, I bought books that mentioned Cushing’s. I asked and asked my doctors for many years and all of them said that I couldn’t have it. It was too rare. I was rejected each time.
Due to all my reading at the library, I was sure I had Cushing’s but no one would believe me. My doctors would say that Cushing’s Disease is too rare, that I was making this up and that I couldn’t have it.
In med school, student doctors are told “When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras“.
According to Wikipedia: “Zebra is a medical slang term for a surprising diagnosis. Although rare diseases are, in general, surprising when they are encountered, other diseases can be surprising in a particular person and time, and so “zebra” is the broader concept.
The term derives from the aphorism “When you hear hoofbeats behind you, don’t expect to see a zebra”, which was coined in a slightly modified form in the late 1940s by Dr. Theodore Woodward, a former professor at the University of Maryland School of Medicine in Baltimore. Since horses are the most commonly encountered hoofed animal and zebras are very rare, logically you could confidently guess that the animal making the hoofbeats is probably a horse. By 1960, the aphorism was widely known in medical circles.”
So, doctors typically go for the easily diagnosed, common diseases. Just because something is rare doesn’t mean that no one gets it. We shouldn’t be dismissed because we’re too hard to diagnose.
When I was finally diagnosed in 1987, 4 years later, it was only because I started bleeding under the skin. My husband made circles around the outside perimeter each hour with a marker so my leg looked like a cut log with rings.
When I went to my Internist the next day he was shocked at the size of the rings. He now thought I had a blood disorder so he sent me to a Hematologist/Oncologist.
Fortunately, that new doctor ran a twenty-four-hour urine test and really looked at me and listened to me. Both he and his partner recognized that I had Cushing’s but, of course, couldn’t do anything further with me. They packed me off to an endo where the process started again.
My final diagnosis was in October, 1987. Quite a long time to simply “…ask your doctor about Cushing’s”.
Looking back, I can see Cushing’s symptoms much earlier than 1983. But, that ‘s for a different post…
I first saw a similar image to this one with the saying Life. Be in it at a recreation center when my son was little. At the time, it was “Duh, of course I’m in it”.
The original image was one a couple males, a couple females and a dog walking/running. No folks in wheelchairs, no older folks and certainly no zebras.
It would be nice to have everyone out there walking or running but that’s not real life, at least in the Cushie world. It’s been a long time since I’ve really been In My Life – maybe it’s time to get back.
A dear friend who has not one, but two forms of cancer was traveling throughout Europe for the first time after her husband’s death wrote:
Some final words before I turn in for the night. If there is a spark of desire within you to do something which is not contrary to God’s Holy Law, find a way to make it happen. All things are possible and blessings abound for those who love Him. Life is such an adventure. Don’t be a spectator – live every single moment for Him and with Him.
Somedays, it’s hard even getting up in the morning but I’m trying. I’m taking Water Aerobics for Arthritis and I try to go to class 3 times a week (I only miss for doctor appointments). I got a couple “part-time” jobs several years ago, my son and I will play at Steinway Hall in NYC again in June. We have plans to go to the Norfolk International Tattoo again this weekend (I’ll miss water aerobics this Friday).
This is the one and only life I’ll ever have and I want to make the most of it, to the best of my ability!
Over the years, we went on several Windjammer Barefoot Cruises. We liked them because they were small, casual and were fairly easy on the wallet.
They sailed around the Caribbean to a variety of islands, although they sometimes changed itineraries depending on weather, crew, whatever. One trip we were supposed to go to Saba but couldn’t make port. A lot of people got off at the next port and flew home.
The captains were prone to “Bedtime Stories” which were often more fiction than true but they added to the appeal of the trip. We didn’t care if we missed islands or not – we were just there to sail over the waves and enjoy the ride.
The last trip we took with them was about two years before I started having Cushing’s problems. (You wondered how I was going to tie this together, right?)
The cruise was uneventful, other than the usual mishaps like hitting docks, missing islands and so on. Until it was a particularly rough sea one day. I was walking somewhere on deck and suddenly a wave came up over the deck making it very slippery. I fell and cracked the back of my head on the curved edge of a table in the dining area. I had the next-to-the-worse headache I have ever had, the worst being after my pituitary surgery. At least after the surgery, I got some morphine.
We asked several doctors later if that hit could have contributed to my Cushing’s but doctors didn’t want to get involved in that at all.
The Windjammer folks didn’t fare much better, either. In October 1998, Hurricane Mitch was responsible for the loss of the s/v Fantome (the last one we were on).
All 31 crew members aboard perished; passengers and other crew members had earlier been offloaded in Belize.
The story was recorded in the book The Ship and the Storm: Hurricane Mitch and the Loss of the Fantome by Jim Carrier. The ship, which was sailing in the center of the hurricane, experienced up to 50-foot (15 m) waves and over 100 mph (160 km/h) winds, causing the Fantome to founder off the coast of Honduras.
This event was similar to the Perfect Storm in that the weather people were more interested in watching the hurricane change directions than they were in people who were dealing with its effects.
I read this book and I was really moved by the plight of those crew members.
I’ll never know if that hit on my head contributed to my Cushing’s but I have seen several people mention on the message boards that they had a traumatic head injury of some type in their earlier lives.
